Reflection over 2012 to discover my future

I realised yesterday at our Christmas party that in fact I have had an awesome year and I've achieved so much, not just things that you can measure either. Even thou I've not formally wrote down goals and aims I have set them and refocused constantly. Obviously my authentic self as been leading me all the way. My realisation came after we were asked to write a word or two for what we wanted out of 2012 and for 2013. It was simple without thinking I wrote Strength for 2012 and unconditional love/self authority, within a second and before 40 odd people had put pen to paper. My red woman knows what she wants and she is constantly challenging me to ensure she gets it too. Like my Meditation the other day said exactly the same words for my next focus. Everyone sat with mouths open and a dear friend said 'Janet that is awesome, amazing and I'm so proud of you, you have achieved so much and you know exactly what you want and you are getting it'. But it still takes me a while to trust/believe this and sometimes I still feel like I'm struggling? (Blue noise) Then I look for reassurance as I start to doubt myself. But in fact I don't need reassurance I just need to trust myself, give myself a break and believe. And to be fair I am a busy working Mum to four children and my job is rather challenging at times too. So I guess being busy doesn't allow me time to chill as much as I'd like and now my hubby is coming on my walks. He is invading my thinking time but don't get me wrong, I love him coming and I'm so proud I've motivated him to do it too. But equally makes for less time for ME focus time, so my weekly meditation in my secret sanctuary are very important, no noise or interruptions. Christmas as meant I get to take some time off work, 5 wks in fact woo hoo. I'm sensing time to focus on me and my goals but as Mum is over and kids off school will have to balance all of this out. This is the time I would have previously put myself last, but no more.

Yes I admit it on occasions I have been struggling with my decision making processes, is it red or blue? So, then I allow the blue noise in to take over and then I doubt myself. Last week I got really angry at myself for doing the same thing. Today, however I realised that sometimes if I'm relaxed happy the words just come to me. And today, I had a flash back to my last labour and birth of my daughter Evie and how empowering that experience was. I was so in tune with my body, mind and spirit that I trusted everything I felt and saw what was happening to me at every stage. I totally believed in Me. And at my first SYG with Emazon, I shared that experience with everyone. My Red self presented that to me to show that Yes at that time I totally trusted and believed in my red woman, my body and my capabilities with my last 3 children.

So what and how did I achieve that? I was so over weight at this time too and none of that never mattered at the time either? Even thou I had abandoned by my dad, had cruel words spoken to me, been treated badly, had 10 years of infertility and IVF which lead to depression, failure on failure, pain and more pain and then to find out I was pregnant and then lose it just as quick. This was a very difficult time in my adult life but one day, something from deep within me said 'I love you and you deserve better, you can and will do this'. I had no idea what to do but sat with my thoughts, 'relax, time, believe'. I rang a midwife who ran antenatal classes for music to help me relax and the universe lead me to Granville a hypnotherapist. We connected immediately, he taught me to get all that blue noise and lock it behind a door in my head, it didn't serve me anymore. For myself and my family I needed to focus on our future. So though self hypnosis I learnt to focus on me, my health, my diet, my rest, my self authority, my emotional state and to not focus on dates, events, times etc. Derrrrr isn't that just what Emazon as been saying?

Within 6wks I was pregnant with my beautiful son Jay, I continued this throughout pregnancy and I was totally empowered. I learnt to trust and believe in my body, mind and my spirit. Even when that went against professionals advice. They thought I was crazy, this was a precious baby! and yes it was to me as well. They felt I should have a cesarean section at 38wks for that reason. But, I refused I knew everything was going to be perfect, so perfect I had no fear, completely no fear. I wanted my baby at home and in a water birth pool, and that is what was gong to happen. It took me my all to convince the obstetrician about a home birth so I never mentioned I had hired a water birth pool. I had people who I trusted with me but more so I completed trusted myself. This birth was amazing, I was completely in control (something we take away from woman in hospital), I learnt to breath, trust, understand and control the pain. I was completely focused, calm and in control. It was simply perfect and beautiful. Jay was born underwater in a pool in our lounge room. I have it on video too so I may watch it for inspiration now. I birthed him onto my chest and he starred at me with that unconditional love and we knew each other and loved each other immediately. The tears of share peace, freedom and joy ran down my face. He was so perfect and I didn't want that moment to end. I didn't want to move or get out either, so I refused. The delivery of the placenta should be out of water, some talk about air embolism so my friends wanted me out. Not this Red woman, the placenta separated and birthed in pool whilst Jay breastfed. Simply beautiful, I needed no one but me to do this. I don't need approval from anyone as I have to most amazing Red woman ever. That is just where I need to get to again that complete trust, belief in me and the ability of my awesome body, mind and spirit to pour freedom. But this time I need to not let her go again.

I now believe that the betrayal of my sister and her hitting me, lead to me losing this power. She had knocked all of this out me, she was in my bubble and had taken my power. I was then flown into unknown territory with our move to Australia, which compounded the fear and unearthed the blue noise and the seeking approval. I have the power and I always did have it, I just had it stolen and then choose to hide it away.

Now to get that power back hey? Now to make a plan of attack. And of course my Tattoo is a reminder every day to just keep moving forward and never go back.

Unconditional love

Today I walked up a hill, went to my secret mediation spot where I wouldn't be disturbed. This week as been monumental in the fact that I actually got ANGRY very angry for the first time in years. I was mad at myself for constantly putting up with this bullshit from others. Lots of which I have loved unconditionally yet they feel they can lie, abuse, use and generally treat me like I don't count. Well the other night enough was enough clearly and I was roaring with anger. Since, I retreated from this and started to listen I have felt more contentment and unconditional love came to me. So this afternoon I asked why and got it 'You have always loved others unconditionally but you need to reclaim/accept it for yourself now'. Tears began to roll down my face as the message was so powerful.

Unconditional love is loving without limitations, conditions or reservations. It is an attitude of complete acceptance of yourself and others, being happy with yourself and them just as you/they are, without needing to change in any way, allowing growth yet being all that you/they want to be.

I need to learn to love, accept, forgive, honour, express, value, respect, and take responsibility for myself in every moment of every day. This is the key to healing and transforming all of my mental, emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual pain and suffering. Relating to ourselves with unconditional love, kindness, and compassion is the key to transforming and healing our past, and so it is therefore the key to consciously creating all that my heart desires here in the present. This is the ultimate focus, the very centre of everything, if I can truly love and accept myself, then my life experience has no limits.

When we were babies, we knew unconditional love, but over time, as we grow up our thoughts become conditioned by the world around us and the people around us. We learn the behaviours that work to survive, we learn whether we are good or bad, what is acceptable and what is not. For me I learnt I had no value, worth from being abandoned for simply being me, by my father. I took on board people negative comments like 'you look fat in that' I staved myself to gain approval. However, this wasn't sustainable and one day I must have found comfort in food. I have always been loved unconditional from my hubby, kids and mother but from others I've needed approval. I would be lead by them to gain this approval and to be accepted I became unauthentic. Trying not to do this after doing it so long is incredibly hard and yes I have found when I see, hear blue noise I'm still accepting it from people already in my bubble. It is taking all my strength to constantly evict them from my bubble, but I know I have to do it to be free. I need to cultivate and master unconditional love, kindness for myself and doing so is the most direct path to inner peace, vital health, happiness, fulfillment, true love, and spiritual enlightenment.

The reality is that if we do not hold this love for ourselves, we will not be able to give it truly to others or expect others to feel that way about us either. It is harsh to hear but being authentic, how can I expect others to love me unconditionally if I cannot love myself? I know I am worth loving and I am a wonderful miracle of Life, so I need to do this for me.

So Yes, I am finally ready to claim my destiny and my birthright.
I am ready to heal myself completely and to realise my greatest potential.
I am literally sick and tired of feeling stuck, lost, unwell, unhappy, and unsatisfied in my life.
I am ready to discover the source of lasting inner peace, vital health, happiness, and fulfilment within myself.
I need to find clarity about who I am and why I'm here.
And yes I truly want to let go of everything within me and around me that does not serve me anymore.

So how am I going to achieve this?

Forgiveness is a wonderful way to release the past and to love unconditionally. Drawing a line behind you, push everything behind a door, free myself of limitations and be at peace with the process of life. Move forward to new beginnings.

Meditate - sit quietly, breath deeply, visualise my authentic self (in fact I think I asked Emazon about this a few days ago?)

Be still in any moment of confusion, fear or anxiousness and focus on your breath. In the stillness the true self can speak to you plainly.

Look into a mirror and see yourself as if for the first time and say, "I love myself Unconditionally."

Journal - write out my feelings to better help myself understand who I think I am and how I view yourself.

Hug someone.

Reiki myself each morning.

So I believe I am on the right track to this greatness. However, any other suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

Growling wolf

Yesterday, I just wanted to rip someone's head off or hit/smack something really hard! For those who know me, you would know that this isn't me, clearly not an emotion I have or am use too experiencing. I truly felt my ears were back and my teeth were showing and I was growling, just like a wolf. I am speechless at how I felt, its was scary to feel that way, but also empowering? I did feel like running, retreating or hiding away,so why? My mum also sensed it and asked me what was up several times. It took my all not to just burst into tears. But I didn't, I retreated to quieten the mind to breath and listen. I believe this came from shear frustration at myself. That part of me that wanted to cry and run away, was probably blue noise. The other part of me that wanted to smack or hit something, was most likely my RED self who desperately wants to Stand up for Herself. I am so ANGRY with myself, WHY can't I just frigging STAND and stand up for me and my family.

I have no idea where this rage came from but I am bloody glad it did and I now see and know it has been building for weeks now. Probably out of shear frustration at me not standing, when faced with certain situations and going back to my old ways. Old ways of putting up with shit, knowing what I need to do and not doing it, generally not wanting to rock the boat and seeking approval. My RED self was wanting out and banging on the door loudly to get out too.

Anger, frustration, these emotions are actually part of my intelligence, my Red self trying to tell me something. There is obviously something/lots going on in my life that I need to pay attention too. I've been given feathers and rocks and have ignored them, feeling frustrated with myself along the way. Continuing to ignore them and hence why I've been hit by rocks and now feeling incredibly angry with myself. My emotional intelligence is clearly kicking in and the Anger is a sign I'm improving not failing as I thought. The last time I felt anger like that was after the visit to the GP with Emilia and she said those words to me. This brought about a huge change in me. However, now I realise I still have a lot of learning to go through before I get real freedom from these old behaviour's. I am feeling I am now on the brink of something magnificent.

The more I sense these emotions and act, the more in control of my life I will feel and be. The Anger signaled that my boundaries had been violated by someone and I should have either taken action for what is right/truth or accept things that I couldn't change., Instead of listening to the blue noise. Whereas if I would have listened to my emotion of Frustration that arose after I was treated badly, lied to, abused and treated like a doormat then I wouldn't have got to the anger stage.

The emotion we call “anger” is a natural response to frustration, pain, loss or neediness. It may also occur out of “old habits", going back to my old ways of not doing or saying anything as a result of being liked, seeking approval. Anger is what we label the biochemical/physiological response we experience when our wants and needs are not met, when we are blocked from pursuing our goals, when we are hurting either physically or emotionally, or when we have experienced a loss of some kind. Anger is a natural emotion and a powerful energizer. In this instance this is so true, so what have I learnt?

My gorgeous mate made a very impressive stand and I'm so incredibly proud of her and yet so frigging jealous. I've wanted to do just that for so long now. It almost felt like I was going backwards, failing even though I knew I wasn't? I felt trapped and suppressed with this crap (blue noise). Also I found I have been looking for reassurance that I'm on the right path, from Emma from others as I'm not trusting my instincts anymore. I know I have to do this myself and I desperately want to do for myself.

Over the last few months, since doing SYG I have continued to been treated badly by people surrounding me. Lots of feathers and rocks, I've been abused, bullied, picked on, ignored, lied to, called names and treated like a doormat. And I know I am allowing this to happen and there is only me that can put an end to it. This isn't a new experience for me it's the story of my life and the reason I did SYG in the first place. So why the hell am I still hanging onto this crap from people who obviously don't give a crap about me?

I also realised I've put up with it for so long now, seeking approval from people for fear of being rejected. Which obviously stems from being rejected by my own father as a little girl and my sister, people you wouldn't expect to abandon you for no reason other than their selfish issues. So what have I done? I would bend over backwards to do anything for anyone, be anything they wanted, what they wanted me to be and put myself last. Yet these people still treated me like crap, lied to me or abused me. I suppose doing this I've seen this as my protective thing. But how thick have I been? How has it protected me? How has it helped me?

The truth is it didn't, it just made me more hurt. And let me tell you it's been the shitiest protective layer I've ever seen in my life. Time to let go Janet and time to give yourself a break and stop being too hard on yourself. Stop setting yourself unrealistic expectations/targets. Appreciate the positive beautiful people in your life. Listen to your emotions, trust my instincts and quieten the mind and ask, what are you trying to tell me?

Becoming Free

This morning I took another look at this photo of Evie who aspires to real freedom. To think she use to annoy me and I use to see her as defiant, simply because she would come down stairs with the weirdest outfits on that didn't match. But she was happy and I now see that it was my issue. Now I look at her and admire everything she is. She really is Red all the way through. She knows exactly what she wants out of life, what she believes in and who she wants to be. She is the most generous person with an amazing heart too. She follows what she believes in, what is the right thing to do and what she needs to do. She made my heart smile when she chose to sit with a girl who didn't have many friends and had broken her leg. She sat reading books and talking to her in break times even though her mates kept telling her not too. Even wrote on her i pod to them, 'how would you feel if that was you?' They said 'we don't care let just us play' needless to say she as removed herself from these girls. We can all learn lessons from her, her innocence and I aspire to be as awesome as she is.

This got me thinking about me and my own freedom and I realised I was sat naked with all my family around, my hubby, kids and my mum. Only 2wks ago I was freaking out about how I looked, felt and what people may or may not have thought. But In my home environment I am totally safe, at peace and totally free to just be me and have always been. I have no issues with how I look, what size I am or what I wear and this was even at size 24. I realised that I too have real freedom at home and that is why she is the way she is. I'm actually not all bad! I know that sounds bad but I see how much of this is what I chose or did. So it is good to see I have done somethings right too. It was me who brought my unauthentic self's negativity into my home and that's what Emilia saw. So yes yesterday's Stand by her was my proud Mummy moment as things are changing in the Watts house and my Red self was steering that change and she completely rocks. That realisation that I have never needed approval from these wonderful people, my family meant the world. I have never had to be anything other than who I really am. They love me unconditionally for 'just the way I am' not what I look like. I so loved that movie, Bridget Jones.

Again it is as simple as that, be authentic, true and real freedom will gravitate towards me. I no longer need approval from anyone anymore. And, letting go of this feels amazing and I can see my pathway to true freedom.

My piece of heaven, secret place 

Finding the belief and trust in ME


Last week really rocked my boat after SYG, I kinda freaked out. Was I failing?, not getting it? or just letting in the blue noise again? For some reason I felt I needed to join next round of 12wbt and book a one on one with Emazon, why? It was given to me so I didn't question it, just knew I had to do it and all would become clear.
So on Friday I had my one on one with Emma, on Skype. The connection wasn't that great, lost video picture and with lots of breaks in conversation, so after I kinda felt the same that I couldn't figure it all out. I felt and knew it was good but didn't understand it. I started to get that gut wrenching pain in my tummy, like after the first SYG. So I knew I was onto something then and knew I needed to quieten my mind at some point to listen. It felt like a mixture of being scared and excited all at the same time. Like I was scared to do something but knew it would lead to something, good and exciting. Had a lovely day at the beach with the family watching dolphins. Decided to go to bed early and do my mediation, well attempted too anyway. But I immediately kept zoning out or falling to sleep? Would wake during the music after so no idea of colours etc. would do it so again and same thing.
In the morning I woke and felt incredibly dizzy, sick and like I was going to vomit. I got dressed and as I went out the door for a walk a wave of emotion came out of nowhere and tears started to stream down my face. It came to me an incredible feeling of loss.
I walked up the hill behind the top lake to no mans land, with nature, peace, silence, bird sounds and holy shit a kangaroo. I sat on a rock and thought 'wolf breathing' I'd never done it before. So I set my intent 'clarity from my one on one'. It was frigging amazing words just filled my head.

I've achieved so much since the start of my journey, my red self as led me all the way from the start. She as known what I've needed and as led, guided and protected me each step of the way. Just like she led me to believe in my body, mind and spirit to get through 3 labours without pain relief whilst remaining in total control of what was happening and what stage I was at. I've known since before SYG that now is the time for the scary shit, the head stuff. I need to start to trust in that lead and believe it is leading me to greatness. Previously I would have given up on myself and gone back to what I was, but now I have a fire in my belly, and this time giving up on myself isn't an option. I was shocked there was nothing else, that was it in a nutshell, yes I'd just taken on board negative comment after negative comment, it will not or doesn't serve me anymore to revisit these. I have got to the root of my issue (right inside that rose and I was about to blast every petal open again). Now I just had to see that those comments, issues where someone else's not mine. I no longer needed to seek approval from these people or other who would do the same, for fear of rejection. Like my father, his issues, like my friend, her issues not mine. I needed to start approving of me, my actions, thoughts and beliefs. My authentic self had led me here to ditch this shit right here and now and I had done it. I need to start to love and respect me, my family and those close to me who nurture my authentic self. I need to trust, believe follow and trust her lead and know will lead me to greatness (freedom)

I mediated afterward with peace in my heart. I was grounded, was simply perfect in every way. I felt I had reclaimed my authority back ..... So yes welcome to the REAL ME.
On my way home, I embraced the shear beauty of my surrounding and my heart was smiling all the way home. I could see, smell and taste it and I so wanted it too, now the challenge to hang on in there.

Petals are opening .... 

Got to really start Speaking my Truth

After I posted my last blog the other day, all of a sudden it all felt so scary and I completely freaked out. I felt exposed, raw and vulnerable again? The blog was guided by my red self to finally start to speak my truth, to recognise her achievements and to aim to be her true authentic self and to ditch this altered body image. But, Yes blue drama alert and I quickly deleted it off my private wall?

I was worried about being judged,treated badly and rejected. After all I had been directed by my friend, not to speak about my previous gym Owner again or she wouldn't speak to me! Manipulation again of my emotion. I didn't intent to but equally didn't appreciate to be told not to (Not to speak my truth) My trust has been broken by so many people, its hard to trust myself anymore, let along others. This meant I adopted to be unauthentic for fear of rejection and hurt. So not recognising it immediately frustrates the hell out of me. I had deleted it as I didn't want them to read it nor know they had hurt me.There it was, clear as day my unauthentic self had kicked in yet again, dramas. So why? What have I to be ashamed of? Nothing. This was me and my life, I was young, impressionable, sensitive and without guidance. After all, It was 1977 so no diets, no exercise and no Jane Fonda. I also feared the Rejection from them but they just treated me badly or rejected me anyway? Do this or else ...... true manipulation. So how would me removing it help or serve me? The answer is it wouldn't.

What will help is the letting go of it all and finally speaking my truth. I have nothing to be ashamed of. This is me, it is real and yes scary so why? Why am I still hanging onto this other stuff? Why am I hiding? So many questions and if I'm to heal I need to be completely honest firstly with myself and get rid of all this shit that has been holding me back all my life. So I'm going to post it!

So here goes ....... Finally speaking my truth
Afterward, I thought this as what as lead to hurt and all my life. No change, no change so I decided I want and need freedom from this not just for me but for my beautiful daughter Emilia and I was going to fight for it. I see the blue dramas in her everyday and it hurts like hell to see it and to admit I have been to blame. I'm trying so hard but I'm terrified to fail, like I've done all my life too. This is too important for me and it is out of LOVE that I aim to do it too. I don't want the pain/hurt for her that I've had ..... this is my purpose I feel it at last and I'm going to lead her to greatness which my red self has known all along I need to do. The thought that one day she will end up like i did last year horrifies me. She is innocent, beautiful, pore and yet vulnerable just like I was. My vision, my tattoo was given to me for that purpose and is there to remind me every day to fight and fight for freedom for the both of us. I was listening then and I certainly need to now more than ever. And then it hit me, smack and it felt like I had jumped right into the centre of that rose. I was seriously freaking out, GET ME OUT OF HERE Arggghhhhhh Breath .... Breath Emazon voice came into my head as tears rolled down my face.
There it was my true lie, I'd hidden from everyone my Mum, Sister, grandparents, family, friends, and more so my hubby and kids. As I'm typing this I'm not entirely sure I have ever told him. I buried it so deep I'd forgot about it. I didn't understand it nor did I know how to stop it until even til I found comfort in food. I felt fat, ugly, not worthy, unloved and yes rejected by my Dad and it hurt like hell. Yet I was loved by so many, the blue dramas have blinded me. Yes history repeated, natures order to heal 2 hearts and 2 beautiful souls ..... Speak your truth Janet .... Out of LOVE came Tears .... And Truth

I STARVED myself too, I didn't want to be fat and I wanted people to like me and be happy. The exact same as my daughter said in that GP's office, she had seen that in ME I had become what they said and told me I was, or how I felt I was. I'd just leaped right off the top and down into the centre of my Rose, I intend to kick the shit of out this crap. I understand now that those few words I have carried with me for life, taking each other person negative comment afterwards and closing up another petal, and another, each time adding layers of fat to hide behind, become invisible, protect me from hurt. But in fact this unauthentic version of myself had made herself more vulnerable to hurt and manipulation. And the longer I did nothing about it, the worse it got, feathers, rocks, more rocks until my bully got in her truck and backed over me, good and proper. For a long while I felt hurt again, bitter, angry, frustrated but yet my Red self took control back. Little steps by little steps, although I couldn't see it then of course. Emazon as guided me, support me to see my true path and continues to. I have been able to find forgiveness for my bully and in fact now I see she did me a huge favour. I have understanding now of where the hurt came from and now I need to start kicking and fighting my way out of this hole. So that my petals open and my true beauty can be seen but more so that I can see it and believe it too.
At the same time I feel a little guilty that, that is ALL it was! and of course I chose to take on these comments and run with them. I also hear my tragic stories everyday at work, severe domestic violence, self harm, depression, anxiety,near death experiences and even death. Being apart of so many sad lives, makes mine seem insignificant really. As insignificant as it seemed I still layered myself to protect myself. Don't misunderstand me, I have had a happy loving life in my personal life, married to my darling husband now for 26years, having 4 great kids and a great Mum. It saddens me everyday that my sister is like she is but I can't change her, she as to see it and want that for herself. Being railroaded last year seems insignificant now, especially as I was expecting much worse to unfold. Those words from mu bully last year 'You are so stupid that you can't see what I'm saying and you need to wake up to yourself. But you can't because you are so weak and you definitely need counselling. You will probably find that you are fucked up from childhood and thats what stopping you from seeing it'! These were the words from my friend about me, Yes my friend! to me because I didn't share her view on our boss and because I wouldn't allow her to do control me to do what she was to gutless to do. Although at the the time I appeared weak I made a true Stand for me. And although these words have resinated for me now for such a long time. Emazon helped me to see that she came into my life for a purpose and I now have found forgiveness and can thank her for helping me wake up to what I had become. I've learnt so much and just keep frigging moving forward. I just get frustrated its not quicker. I want to start to see my inner beauty on the outside and most importantly start to believe in me again.
In fact I was strong all along and yes clever too because I never allowed that emotional manipulator to control me. Nor am I now, today I'm taking control back and moving forward to freedom. I have a one on one with the amazing Emazon on Friday on Skype :)

Peeling back the layers

I see myself as a beautiful red rose that was in full bloom in puberty and bit by bit, comments, actions of people taken on board closed petal by petal to a tight rose. Closed off from enjoyment, happiness, freedom, love and peace but yet open to more hurt and manipulation. When she should have been happy has she had everything that everyone envied, inner beauty, beautiful supportive loving man and four great kids, education etc. Now is the time to start peeling back those petals to reveal that true beauty within.

Well I achieved heaps after my week with Emazon, as I thought! Since then I have had several challenges against my stand. Each of which confirmed that I was on the right path. One being from previous gym owner Curves after I followed my authentic self and joined Fernwood who now serve me well. I left on good terms so was shocked to see her using my vulnerabilities I trusted her with to her advantage. And then being totally unprofessional by bad mouthing me on Facebook because of my successes. I block it, dealt with it to protect my stand, put it behind me and moved on. However this in turn had a massive effect on my dear friend and brought about her own insecurities of seeing me in a different head space. I'm convinced she still sees me as that Janet who is messed up and now doing this crazy shit, because of what she doesn't understand, sees and has been told. I am now someone she no longer understands. Even though I'm a well educated women, she has only ever known me as my blue self, my unauthentic self. She rescued me, supported me, loved me for who I was then and now I was a stranger to her. I dearly love her for caring for me but a true friend would want you to be your authentic self, the best possible version of yourself. I have no idea what she thinks now, she as gone quiet, surprised me she lied to me, doesn't comment on my successes all of which are her issues, I know. It hurt like hell to know she too used the tool of facebook like my bully, knowing it would hurt me and to lie about not going on and not doing it when she does. But again how incredibly difficult that was I have been amazed at how I bounced back and was able to block it. I gave my red woman the name Tigger for that reason and at last I started to believe in me and follow my heart. I knew that during that week, that I had unleashed a very powerful source, that was ...... ME.
I seriously couldn't wait do go to finale for the shear fact that SYG was on the very next day. I was doing amazing at functional training and with my person trainer at my own pace. I wasn't sure what I wanted from SYG, other than wanting the processing to be more immediate, rather than riding that wave, listening and then eventually getting it.

On the lead up I desperately wanted to get into my goal dress, my beautiful red dress for finale but it was a long way off fitting me. It had started to stress me out and I kept doing my mediation and focusing of me and my training. One day I tried on my dress, it still didn't fit and it didn't feel right either. I thought I would have been devastated but I wasn't, lightbulb moment ' I was nowhere near my goal according to my red self, body and especially mind and spirit' I had obviously taken on board some of that negativity to from the curves lady 'Red woman my ass, you have learnt NOTHING' I had let that one word in. I also realised that this is a work in process and not just a one off fixes all. That's why the universe had ensured I was too attend SYG again, a top up :) I had taken on board her ignorance and nastiness at trying to pull me down just because I'd moved beyond her. Recognising that she had seen my strength meant so was I. It was the first time I felt empowered and strong.
So off I went to look for a dress that would serve me well for who I am now, which brought about more challenges, shops and shop assistants. I kinda felt like Julie Roberts in pretty women, like they would judge me and treat me badly. I was listening and reflecting but with not much understanding at this time. I went in shops with my mum and looked and looked, ended up in smaller designer shops so it got more challenging. They always approach you in these shops, there it was the dreaded question 'what size are you?' I was shocked they thought I was a size or 2 down and tried some on that fit, but nothing felt right. My perception of myself was obviously way off then and I eventually found it, a dress that my girlfriends found the week earlier, that I could dress up and dress down, so it was perfect. I then felt I was going to look amazing with the makeover like Julie Roberts in that Red dress in pretty women and feel it too. I was beaming with excitement as I've never ever done anything like this before.

Sydney here we come :)
Friday was good, cold so shopping and lots of laughs and a fair few drinks of vodka, lime and soda. We hadn't eaten badly and had no snacks, so we went with the fun element. Got up and went for breakfast, met loads of new inspiring people and went off to workout. I really enjoyed myself, had fun and got to sit next to Mish on stage and have a chat with her. 2 things stood out for me, the fashion show, them girls looked awesome and Cathy Sheargold in particular rock it and you could see how proud she was for her achievements. The other was the fitness challenge, I had some negative thoughts about the competitiveness of it, pushing themselves til they nearly died, well thats how it looked anyway. I had no idea why I felt like that it was just given to me that way. We walked the 5 km walk back to have a shower and go for hair and makeup. I was so looking forward to this and I was going to enjoy it. My stylist was lovely she took care and paid attention to detail with hair and make up. There were no mirrors and she could have been doing anything to me, could have wrote TOSSER on my head and I wouldn't known. She had to finish me off quickly as the next girl was stressing she had been waiting to long!!! Some people just think they are a priority don't they? but again did I take that on board?I wasn't worthy but I'd paid my fee just like her, I don't know. I was freaked out by the whole thing instead of enjoying the experience like everyone seemed to be. What was she doing to me? I now know my authentic self wasn't in control, stylist was? My beautiful friend Kylie saw my face and knew instantly, 'what's up chickie?' I saw me and didn't know who that person was? Did I like her? I didn't know and I certainly didn't look or feel like Julia Roberts. I really tried hard to like it and to let me out but I just couldn't, my feet were killing me and I couldn't block any of it out either. I felt weak and vulnerable again, then in come those blue dramas again, part of me wanted to cry but I blocked them just focused on the here and now. In the taxi home I snapped back it was over I would sleep and it was SYG in the morning. I wiped off my shoes immediately, got back to the hotel, dress and make off and there I was practising sprawls lol as I so failed at that in my one on one with Emazon. Kylie was laughed as I said 'she will so be watching me' there again I bounced back. I didn't feel Emma would judge or push me it was just simply something i wanted to do, as it was we never did them Phewww On reflection, I think I felt like that because I wasn't following my authentic self, I loved my dress just not the vision I was given. You can really see it in my face on those photos. There it was body image and dysmorhpic disorder, although I didn't know it then.

I woke early and thought omg I can't wait, I was ready and willing for whatever. I did my mediation and we went for breakfast said goodbye to Meagan and met some of the girls going to SYG. I was stocked some of them had decided to do it from reading about and seeing my changes. There was too many of us, so Kylie and I jumped in a taxi.
I was here yeah super excited, my authentic self knew she was going to get an awakening and it felt like I was home and safe. When I saw Emma she ran over to me, well she may have walked but it felt like she did and hugged me. She asked how I was and told me how skinny I was looking. There it was again, still unknown to me at that time, that's what I was going to get out of it, how I look and felt about myself. The session of course was awesome, I will not talk about that as everyone gets something different out of it. But what I will say is that during, Emma referred to me and my daughter Emilia to reinforce the effects we have on our children. This should have and probably would have upset me in the past but I felt empowered by it. I had excepted my part in that event and have made huge steps since to improve and rebuild my Red self to lead by example for her. I didn't want history to be repeated in her. I knew right there and then in some form or another, unknown to me as yet I want to help other woman. Afterwards Emma clarified that its a process and there is no timeline to this, no pass or fail, I was moving, achieving at my own pace and I will get better. The feeling I had at the end of that session was amazing one of true love,peace, happiness and yes I saw inner beauty. I can see that excitement and jest to be just me in that photo of with Nat.

Afterwards I was bursting with excitement, never shut up I'm sure Kylie thought shut up lol and I expect my expression on my face was the same as hers at finale. I knew with all my heart and every cell in my body that this is my true path of self rediscovery. I've spent the week rolling over everything to get understanding and clarity around this. I was doing exactly the same, riding that wave and listening. I was exhausted so rested but felt I needed to go to Zumba as I love that. Was really weird, I was so unco and didn't enjoy it .... Why? More questions as yet unanswered. I did my mediation and woke with work in mind, I promised the girls I would take in my size 24 brown silk trousers as they wanted to see. Another measure of how far I'd come and the moment I put on them trouser it hit me and hit me hard. My body had transformed heaps but my mind and spirit hadn't quite caught up yet. I found it difficult and couldn't focus at work for the rest of the day. I got home freaking out but saying to myself no pass or fail, no pass or fail and wanting to cry and scream. I emailed Jodie asking for one on one, how much and when and ordered my grappling gloves and training cd. Weird combo I know and funny now when I look back but I was leading :)
I woke did my mediation and knew what I needed to do, went for my PT session with Kym who loves Emma and listened and we knew what to do. I felt so empowered, she gave me suggestions and at one point thought 'what the f*^k just do it' and I did 10 burpees, I couldn't do them the week before, followed by step jumps and yes press ups but on my knees, went further and further and did them on my toes, not perfect but I did them. It was so empowering to take control and to push myself a little. I can do more than I believe, tapping into my powerhouse/authentic self she knows what my body can do and how my mind needs to catch up. After in the shower I sat crying in tears not of pain or sadness but joy and clarity. Everything flashed in my head and I knew what I needed to do.
I have altered body image/dysmorhpia and have from the age of 13 yrs, how painful is that realisation 34 yrs wasted but yet so empowering to change and start living. I've been invisible, I hidden myself away, suppressed my achievements for fear of backlash from my success. I was 13year old impressionable girl at a street silver jubilee party, in a fancy dress costume made by my clever mum, a genie of the lamp costume. I did feel exposed and I got a comment of a girl, saying 'you look fat in that', I ran inside to take it off to be told 'no you look lovely' but I had taken on the previous comment and having 1000 eyes looking at me, cemented it in I guess. I own that I chose to take it on board instead of the other comment which lead to me winning also. That's why I've hidden my success as the repercussions from winning was awful too. There it was in the raw for all to see, I've always felt fat even though I wasn't, I've never felt beautiful, nor have I liked myself, always hidden my body with baggy clothes and hidden my successes and achievements. To this day I've done the same with my weight loss journey, never celebrated, never put myself out there, hidden my achievements to protect others from feeling inferior and fearing rejection. Around the same time my father rejectedvus after my parents got divorced, I've seen him once since then. But my friend as rejected me anyway since following my true authentic self, I accept that now. Equally I can see why I had shear rage after I'd visited the Dr's with my daughter Emilia and she said them words 'I don't want to be fat like mum as people are mean to her and make her sad' omg 34 years of carrying that shit, I had become what they told me, adding layers and layers to hide behind. Being and feeling like this way as been such a waste. Emma as helped me see I had the power even back then and I've lead me ever since.
The answer was there in that shower, I need to start recognising my achievements, putting them out there and accepting the comments back, be proud of them and who I am and see my inner self on the outside and release her. I need to continue to trust and follow her lead, wherever that takes me, speak my truth and use my body to empower my mind and spirit. I pondered heavily about joining the next round 4 of the 12wbt as I've not followed the weight loss plan or exercise routines, and I've still succeeded. However I did join and not for weight loss, measurements, exercise but to continue my journey by taking the lead in a safe haven with amazing people who have supported me and I know will continue too and where I can feel safe to reveal myself bit by bit, little steps leading to running. I'm aiming to rock that red dress at the next finale and feel my authentic self and I may even have the makeover, on my terms and completely what i want of course. I also aim to see the amazing Emazon who I can't thank enough, for my transformation as it is evident to me that if I hadn't done this I would have bounced back to what I was like before and what I always have done before. If I need guidance along the way I will get that too. I wrote this blog with the aim, desire to encourage women. If I only help one woman who reads this and makes changes and heals as I feel I am .... It is worthwhile.
My RED dress was I believe picked by my authentic self, she knows who I'm meant to be but as never been allowed to be her true self. I need to continue to follow her lead of self discovery.
I now see clearly how I made myself prey to those predatory emotional manipulators, but never again. I also see that my journey as only just begun but I now also know that I'm going to succeed and I'm going to be happy and free someday.

Can you see it?