Finding Janet - My Emazon experience

Well today I woke with feelings of sheer peace, happiness and true love just for myself. That feeling was sheer beauty and overwhelming, as I have never experienced that in my whole life. Today I feel free and full of clarity and understanding about my life and the things that have happened to me and how I reacted and the direction I took. I know I am strong and exactly who I am. The people around me say I'm radiating life. But most importantly my daughter just keeps smiling at me today and when I ask her why she just says 'you are making me so happy'. This brings tears to my eyes as at the end of last year she stopped eating and when I took her to the GP's she told her 'I don't want to be fat like mummy because people are mean to her and she is sad all the time'. As you can imagine this broke my heart, then I came to the realisation that I had always allowed people to treat me badly. Even though I had started my weight loss journey this is what I called at the time put a fire in my belly to finally find me and fight back to be me. Emazon would say my authentic self sent me a message to fight and stand.

I believe the world sends us messages everyday but half of the time we don't or choose not to listen. I now know I did start to listen but my inner demons where much stronger. I was lead to Michelle Bridges 12wbt by my dear friend Kylie Barker and the 30+ crew on Facebook. I got to make a lot of new friends with people who wanted me to be a better version of myself. I got love, support and lots of advise from them. But I still didn't like me and I have no photos of me either for that reason.

The universe and my inner red Diva lead me to Emazon. It seemed crazy to me the meek mild invisible Janet would think of such a thing to feel so inspired to give it a go. Especially after watching that crazy chick on Biggest Loser in the cage with smoke etc., so yes completely out of my comfort zone. When I told people I got strange looks and they would say 'really!' But it just felt right to me, so yes I was going to give it a go. Had I started to listen?

I booked in for Stand your Ground (SYG) 1 and a one on one with Emazon to discuss my issues around the bullying and the emotional manipulation I had experienced last year by a friend, that lead me to fall and I mean really fall, falling out of life completely for a while. Again a voice was saying total focus here, treat this as a retreat, distance yourself from everyone so you have little stimulation to allow complete focus. Stuart looked after me and the kids all week so I could do what I needed to do. He was so behind me as he wanted his wife and mother to his children back. So I put out a Facebook message so I didn't upset people. Then the Saturday before I started my week I heard a new messages. Well I was really trying to avoid the housework when I saw someone had posted a picture of my goal dress, I had bought a few months ago but now they had it in red, mine was navy blue. I now know my inner Diva was saying red, red, red. For some reason I went on a roll to see if I could swop it. My Diva wanted RED and she was going to get it, at the same time I decided to book in for SYG 2. I now know this was another sign my Diva wanted to heal and get out. I had started to hear her, but I had no clarity or understanding why around that at the time. It just felt right.

Monday came and I was nervous, anxious about what to expect but felt excited all at the same time. These were weird emotions stirred up in me but I felt I needed to open myself up. Emazon (Emma) asked people to give her words as to what they expected to get out of the night, some said excited, scared, freedom and for some reason STRENGTH just came out. I was shocked I said it, as normally I would never speak up in a big group. She immediately gave me eye contact and that was it ..... I felt she totally got me. I felt that connection right away and the whole room of people just vanished. It felt like she was connecting with my Diva, and she got her complete attention. After that whenever Emma was talking, my Diva would say 'are you listening?listen, listen' I felt incredibly emotional during the fight session particularly when she was talking about our protective bubble and not letting people in to hurt you. Omg I had done that so many times, again and again, Emma gave me or I felt total eye contact like she knew and could feel my hurt. During that session she took the pads off Kylie and shouted sternly 'Strength! Do not let me in'. She pushed and hit me with the pads very hard, (bruises to prove it) but rather than freaking me out like you would have expected, it totally energised my Diva .... it felt amazing. I completely got it, pay attention because you have never listened to me, so listen. Do you know when someone says, 'I just want to shake you to get it'. I went home processing and understanding clearly how I had let people treat me, hurt and abuse me. The emotions started to whirl around in my head, 'you look fat in that' but I wasn't, 'you are stupid, weak, messed up' obviously an attempt to try to challenge me. Slept on and off with things whirling around in my head.

Day 2, SYG 2 again I seemed to just connect and be vocal throughout. During fight session, 2 main things stood out. Emma came over to me and Kylie and said have you been hit? I have totally no idea why she would say that? I said NO bullying. She was then getting me to breath and try to focus, would shout Breath. In fact she did that both nights. She then gave me a man to hit but I felt nothing. After processing this information I realised that was because no man had ever been mean to me or hurt me. My darling husband of 26yrs as seen my hurt get worse and worse over the years and was fully behind me with my journey. Later that night, my daughter Emilia was worried about me, stayed up and asked, 'did she hit you?' I laughed and said No again and then it hit me like a slap on the face. Yes I had my sister had before we came out to Australia and continues to emotion abuse both me and my mother for her own means. I then felt bad as I realised I lied to Emma I had been hit, by my own sister. That was my realisation the point I lost my Diva, that loss had opened me up to being more vulnerable to other emotional predictors. Every inch of me and cell in my body was screaming to me this is Janet's path take it and listen to every message and use it to find ME. I then booked for Mindfit and processed that I needed a physical one on one with Emazon, why? Again I have no idea where that came from as the thought scared the crap out of me. My diva was telling me loud and clear you have never listened to me, not even the psychologist QLD health paid to fix the damage your bully had caused at work, your team psychologist at work, your hubby, family, friends and Facebook pals and you have been told everything over and over and you still aren't really listening.

The days in between SYG2 and mindfit where weird, highs excitement and lows fears. I (my diva) seriously couldn't wait for my one on one but my inner demons continued to keep sending me waves of negative scary emotion, stomach turning. Alison Bengough had that day just had her one on one with Emma and had always been a good support for me, she knew my story. So she helped me to process the scrambled thoughts, my red self wanted me clarity but my blue self (self doubt) and all I had been fed over the years came in with 'you are stupid, weak, messed up and how the hell can you do that' but my red self would say the complete opposite. I was now having an argument in my head, good verses bad and really that continued till my one on one. But if I asked those blue dramas why? The answer was well you have always listened to us not her, what makes you think we will not win? SO PROVE IT. That was the answer I had to prove it to myself I could win, but at this time I had no idea how I was going to do that. I just know I had to do physical and prove it.

I rang and asked for physical, Emma agreed ' was she aware that's what I needed?'I don't know. As staff said she only agreed to me and I was so lucky. There was the connection again that it was right and right for me.

It was going to happen and I felt incredibly excited but scared all at the same time. Again red verses blue, weird how I changed my dress before all of this. Normally at this stage I would find an excuse to try and duck out. But this time that never happened. Win 1 to Diva she was getting stronger and I had started to follow her lead. The hours for my one on one couldn't go any quicker. The anxiety and excitement nearly killed me, now 3 nights no sleep and running on shear adrenaline to fight for ME.

Friday morning, Yay it was here, I put on my wraps and I was ready. I didn't know what to expect but I felt only good could come out of this, so I felt calm. When I saw Emma I did do a little gulp Win 2 to Diva I was actually going to do this. Then in came the blue chatter again I started to ramble to her. Obviously now having reflected on the whole one on one experience. I can see how the whole experience and the psychology worked for me, so I will describe my experience as I go.

She lead me into the big room where we had done SYG, saying tell me about it. I started to ramble really but I felt safe there. Got to door she said we will get gloves, went in - the room was full of people. Oh no not in there then so where were we doing it? She lead me to the gym to the left hand side of the corner and asked for clarity of feeling. Win 3 I was still going to do this. So when I started to ramble she immediately said 'STOP I'm not going to ask you anything more I don't want to spike a cluster of negative emotion and as for me beating you, you have done enough of that yourself. You need to block these blue dramas and you are the only one who can do it. So, No more talking for the rest of the time full on do as I say and don't give in to the dramas BLOCK them' She walked into the middle of the gym and I thought 'Omg all these people bored on treadmills will be looking at me, Firstly because she is that crazy chick off biggest loser and secondly they would wonder what she was going to do to the old fat girl.' I didn't know they would but I felt ever eye on me. Then she started shouting out instructions very loudly again now they really would be looking. The boxing instructions got me to block those dramas away and the people became invisible, Win 4. I started to tire and lose focus Dramas 'you can't remember you're weak' as it was really fast pace action after a while, voices 'see you can't' heard Block it from her and she most have seen that and I shouted in my head I can and I'm going to do this for Emilia 'yes I can', win 5.

Then she got me step on and off boxes and one was higher than my knees, I had to get on anyway I could, stand up and climb down and repeat it over and over. I hate heights and struggle up 3 steps of a ladder, I blocked this one immediately and didnt worry how silly I may have looked, so I give myself 2 wins 6 & 7. Then she got me to jump on and off a step both feet together up and down, the coordination was hard and sometimes I didn't do it right. But I thought well its something new and you will get better, so just frigging did it. The diva was starting to get stronger, Win 8. Then she shouted gloves off whilst stepping and then come here. I looked around and frig she was stood on the step that was above my knees, she already towers over me as it was. She looked like a giant with a 5kgs ball, I think its funny now but at the time I thought 'what the f**k!!!'. The sight of her was enough to throw me more voices and that first throw I dropped the ball because I didn't expect it to be so heavy. I picked it up throw it right back to her and away with voices, win 9 to Diva. I had to catch the ball, touch the floor and throw it back think ten times none stop. Then she said same now but with a Sprawl, again voices 'You can't do sprawls' and I did give in and cheated a little. To be shouted right back at 'BLOCK IT do it again and do it properly all the time'. I had an incredible feeling of weakness and then out came the Diva 'so you are going to do exactly what you always do right - now fight' something just snapped in my head and from then on I powered through. Win 10. From then on I remained focused on instructions and just did it, started smashing the hell out on boxing again I just powered through it harder than I did before. I wasn't perfect but that simply didn't matter. I was in control finally and I was fighting to stay on top and that feeling was amazing so empowering and it took everything I had. I felt strong for the first time in my life. Major Win 11 to Diva. I also give myself another win as I have never done anything before so intense, lol curves being my gym, so Win 12 and I only thought I had a couple. It was the perfect one on one for me, so my Diva was right about that, as chit chat wouldn't have worked to prove anything to me. I did just have to prove I could do it.

My diva knew all along what I needed and I now have her back, I'm going to listen to her loud and clear from now on and trust ever word. She is such a beautiful person and soul too, you will all love her. Everyone else sees her but this is the first time I have and I LOVE HER.

To think that I have been overweight all my life, well I have felt I have been but in part I clearly wasn't. I have to take the blame for believing and for whatever reason at that time I took on other people's comments from being a little girl 'you look fat in that' when I wasn't. From then I kept listening to others instead of me and became what they told me I was fat, failure, sad, stupid, weak, messed up. My 11 years infertility didn't get her back I just lost her more. Which made me vulnerable to others, a soft touch someone to use and abuse. Yes I let them do it to me because of how some had made me feel. I let them control me but Emma as also shown me that there as been times in my life when in fact I have been strong. Times very precious to me like the births of my last 3 children no pain relief, I was totally in-tune (I wouldn't say listening) to what my body was telling me. I went against medical advice and had 2 home births as I felt it was just right (feeling again not listening), but I am now listening load and clear. Another weird reflection about the universe was that on my drive up to the gym that day, Guy Sebastian's song Battlescars was on the radio, Pink's Try was on during and on my way I laughed when Your a fighter came on the radio. I believe the universe guides you too, so when a carrot is dangled in front of me and gives me new challenges I'm going to take them.

When I started my weight loss journey I was looking for approval and to be treated better. How wrong was I ? 29 kgs down and I still didn't like myself, still felt sad and weak all the time. But Emma as turned my life around, yes I still have weight to lose but I now value me more than how I look or what the scales tell me. I know she wants to be slim, fit and healthy and I know and trust my DIVA to get me there. I will stand tall, listen, be in control and I will continue to seek out happiness and love in my life. Most importantly I will love me and just be content to be me. I cant wait to get into that RED dress and wear it with pride as I do my 'battlescars' bruised hands from my one on one, and my incredibly sore legs today too. I must have smacked her pretty hard thou but I didn't feel that I just felt ME.

Words are just not enough for the gratitude and respect I have for you Emma as you haven't only given me my life back but my children's too ..... You are a legend and you will remain dear to me for forever .....thank you