Reflection over 2012 to discover my future

I realised yesterday at our Christmas party that in fact I have had an awesome year and I've achieved so much, not just things that you can measure either. Even thou I've not formally wrote down goals and aims I have set them and refocused constantly. Obviously my authentic self as been leading me all the way. My realisation came after we were asked to write a word or two for what we wanted out of 2012 and for 2013. It was simple without thinking I wrote Strength for 2012 and unconditional love/self authority, within a second and before 40 odd people had put pen to paper. My red woman knows what she wants and she is constantly challenging me to ensure she gets it too. Like my Meditation the other day said exactly the same words for my next focus. Everyone sat with mouths open and a dear friend said 'Janet that is awesome, amazing and I'm so proud of you, you have achieved so much and you know exactly what you want and you are getting it'. But it still takes me a while to trust/believe this and sometimes I still feel like I'm struggling? (Blue noise) Then I look for reassurance as I start to doubt myself. But in fact I don't need reassurance I just need to trust myself, give myself a break and believe. And to be fair I am a busy working Mum to four children and my job is rather challenging at times too. So I guess being busy doesn't allow me time to chill as much as I'd like and now my hubby is coming on my walks. He is invading my thinking time but don't get me wrong, I love him coming and I'm so proud I've motivated him to do it too. But equally makes for less time for ME focus time, so my weekly meditation in my secret sanctuary are very important, no noise or interruptions. Christmas as meant I get to take some time off work, 5 wks in fact woo hoo. I'm sensing time to focus on me and my goals but as Mum is over and kids off school will have to balance all of this out. This is the time I would have previously put myself last, but no more.

Yes I admit it on occasions I have been struggling with my decision making processes, is it red or blue? So, then I allow the blue noise in to take over and then I doubt myself. Last week I got really angry at myself for doing the same thing. Today, however I realised that sometimes if I'm relaxed happy the words just come to me. And today, I had a flash back to my last labour and birth of my daughter Evie and how empowering that experience was. I was so in tune with my body, mind and spirit that I trusted everything I felt and saw what was happening to me at every stage. I totally believed in Me. And at my first SYG with Emazon, I shared that experience with everyone. My Red self presented that to me to show that Yes at that time I totally trusted and believed in my red woman, my body and my capabilities with my last 3 children.

So what and how did I achieve that? I was so over weight at this time too and none of that never mattered at the time either? Even thou I had abandoned by my dad, had cruel words spoken to me, been treated badly, had 10 years of infertility and IVF which lead to depression, failure on failure, pain and more pain and then to find out I was pregnant and then lose it just as quick. This was a very difficult time in my adult life but one day, something from deep within me said 'I love you and you deserve better, you can and will do this'. I had no idea what to do but sat with my thoughts, 'relax, time, believe'. I rang a midwife who ran antenatal classes for music to help me relax and the universe lead me to Granville a hypnotherapist. We connected immediately, he taught me to get all that blue noise and lock it behind a door in my head, it didn't serve me anymore. For myself and my family I needed to focus on our future. So though self hypnosis I learnt to focus on me, my health, my diet, my rest, my self authority, my emotional state and to not focus on dates, events, times etc. Derrrrr isn't that just what Emazon as been saying?

Within 6wks I was pregnant with my beautiful son Jay, I continued this throughout pregnancy and I was totally empowered. I learnt to trust and believe in my body, mind and my spirit. Even when that went against professionals advice. They thought I was crazy, this was a precious baby! and yes it was to me as well. They felt I should have a cesarean section at 38wks for that reason. But, I refused I knew everything was going to be perfect, so perfect I had no fear, completely no fear. I wanted my baby at home and in a water birth pool, and that is what was gong to happen. It took me my all to convince the obstetrician about a home birth so I never mentioned I had hired a water birth pool. I had people who I trusted with me but more so I completed trusted myself. This birth was amazing, I was completely in control (something we take away from woman in hospital), I learnt to breath, trust, understand and control the pain. I was completely focused, calm and in control. It was simply perfect and beautiful. Jay was born underwater in a pool in our lounge room. I have it on video too so I may watch it for inspiration now. I birthed him onto my chest and he starred at me with that unconditional love and we knew each other and loved each other immediately. The tears of share peace, freedom and joy ran down my face. He was so perfect and I didn't want that moment to end. I didn't want to move or get out either, so I refused. The delivery of the placenta should be out of water, some talk about air embolism so my friends wanted me out. Not this Red woman, the placenta separated and birthed in pool whilst Jay breastfed. Simply beautiful, I needed no one but me to do this. I don't need approval from anyone as I have to most amazing Red woman ever. That is just where I need to get to again that complete trust, belief in me and the ability of my awesome body, mind and spirit to pour freedom. But this time I need to not let her go again.

I now believe that the betrayal of my sister and her hitting me, lead to me losing this power. She had knocked all of this out me, she was in my bubble and had taken my power. I was then flown into unknown territory with our move to Australia, which compounded the fear and unearthed the blue noise and the seeking approval. I have the power and I always did have it, I just had it stolen and then choose to hide it away.

Now to get that power back hey? Now to make a plan of attack. And of course my Tattoo is a reminder every day to just keep moving forward and never go back.

Unconditional love

Today I walked up a hill, went to my secret mediation spot where I wouldn't be disturbed. This week as been monumental in the fact that I actually got ANGRY very angry for the first time in years. I was mad at myself for constantly putting up with this bullshit from others. Lots of which I have loved unconditionally yet they feel they can lie, abuse, use and generally treat me like I don't count. Well the other night enough was enough clearly and I was roaring with anger. Since, I retreated from this and started to listen I have felt more contentment and unconditional love came to me. So this afternoon I asked why and got it 'You have always loved others unconditionally but you need to reclaim/accept it for yourself now'. Tears began to roll down my face as the message was so powerful.

Unconditional love is loving without limitations, conditions or reservations. It is an attitude of complete acceptance of yourself and others, being happy with yourself and them just as you/they are, without needing to change in any way, allowing growth yet being all that you/they want to be.

I need to learn to love, accept, forgive, honour, express, value, respect, and take responsibility for myself in every moment of every day. This is the key to healing and transforming all of my mental, emotional, physical, financial, and spiritual pain and suffering. Relating to ourselves with unconditional love, kindness, and compassion is the key to transforming and healing our past, and so it is therefore the key to consciously creating all that my heart desires here in the present. This is the ultimate focus, the very centre of everything, if I can truly love and accept myself, then my life experience has no limits.

When we were babies, we knew unconditional love, but over time, as we grow up our thoughts become conditioned by the world around us and the people around us. We learn the behaviours that work to survive, we learn whether we are good or bad, what is acceptable and what is not. For me I learnt I had no value, worth from being abandoned for simply being me, by my father. I took on board people negative comments like 'you look fat in that' I staved myself to gain approval. However, this wasn't sustainable and one day I must have found comfort in food. I have always been loved unconditional from my hubby, kids and mother but from others I've needed approval. I would be lead by them to gain this approval and to be accepted I became unauthentic. Trying not to do this after doing it so long is incredibly hard and yes I have found when I see, hear blue noise I'm still accepting it from people already in my bubble. It is taking all my strength to constantly evict them from my bubble, but I know I have to do it to be free. I need to cultivate and master unconditional love, kindness for myself and doing so is the most direct path to inner peace, vital health, happiness, fulfillment, true love, and spiritual enlightenment.

The reality is that if we do not hold this love for ourselves, we will not be able to give it truly to others or expect others to feel that way about us either. It is harsh to hear but being authentic, how can I expect others to love me unconditionally if I cannot love myself? I know I am worth loving and I am a wonderful miracle of Life, so I need to do this for me.

So Yes, I am finally ready to claim my destiny and my birthright.
I am ready to heal myself completely and to realise my greatest potential.
I am literally sick and tired of feeling stuck, lost, unwell, unhappy, and unsatisfied in my life.
I am ready to discover the source of lasting inner peace, vital health, happiness, and fulfilment within myself.
I need to find clarity about who I am and why I'm here.
And yes I truly want to let go of everything within me and around me that does not serve me anymore.

So how am I going to achieve this?

Forgiveness is a wonderful way to release the past and to love unconditionally. Drawing a line behind you, push everything behind a door, free myself of limitations and be at peace with the process of life. Move forward to new beginnings.

Meditate - sit quietly, breath deeply, visualise my authentic self (in fact I think I asked Emazon about this a few days ago?)

Be still in any moment of confusion, fear or anxiousness and focus on your breath. In the stillness the true self can speak to you plainly.

Look into a mirror and see yourself as if for the first time and say, "I love myself Unconditionally."

Journal - write out my feelings to better help myself understand who I think I am and how I view yourself.

Hug someone.

Reiki myself each morning.

So I believe I am on the right track to this greatness. However, any other suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

Growling wolf

Yesterday, I just wanted to rip someone's head off or hit/smack something really hard! For those who know me, you would know that this isn't me, clearly not an emotion I have or am use too experiencing. I truly felt my ears were back and my teeth were showing and I was growling, just like a wolf. I am speechless at how I felt, its was scary to feel that way, but also empowering? I did feel like running, retreating or hiding away,so why? My mum also sensed it and asked me what was up several times. It took my all not to just burst into tears. But I didn't, I retreated to quieten the mind to breath and listen. I believe this came from shear frustration at myself. That part of me that wanted to cry and run away, was probably blue noise. The other part of me that wanted to smack or hit something, was most likely my RED self who desperately wants to Stand up for Herself. I am so ANGRY with myself, WHY can't I just frigging STAND and stand up for me and my family.

I have no idea where this rage came from but I am bloody glad it did and I now see and know it has been building for weeks now. Probably out of shear frustration at me not standing, when faced with certain situations and going back to my old ways. Old ways of putting up with shit, knowing what I need to do and not doing it, generally not wanting to rock the boat and seeking approval. My RED self was wanting out and banging on the door loudly to get out too.

Anger, frustration, these emotions are actually part of my intelligence, my Red self trying to tell me something. There is obviously something/lots going on in my life that I need to pay attention too. I've been given feathers and rocks and have ignored them, feeling frustrated with myself along the way. Continuing to ignore them and hence why I've been hit by rocks and now feeling incredibly angry with myself. My emotional intelligence is clearly kicking in and the Anger is a sign I'm improving not failing as I thought. The last time I felt anger like that was after the visit to the GP with Emilia and she said those words to me. This brought about a huge change in me. However, now I realise I still have a lot of learning to go through before I get real freedom from these old behaviour's. I am feeling I am now on the brink of something magnificent.

The more I sense these emotions and act, the more in control of my life I will feel and be. The Anger signaled that my boundaries had been violated by someone and I should have either taken action for what is right/truth or accept things that I couldn't change., Instead of listening to the blue noise. Whereas if I would have listened to my emotion of Frustration that arose after I was treated badly, lied to, abused and treated like a doormat then I wouldn't have got to the anger stage.

The emotion we call “anger” is a natural response to frustration, pain, loss or neediness. It may also occur out of “old habits", going back to my old ways of not doing or saying anything as a result of being liked, seeking approval. Anger is what we label the biochemical/physiological response we experience when our wants and needs are not met, when we are blocked from pursuing our goals, when we are hurting either physically or emotionally, or when we have experienced a loss of some kind. Anger is a natural emotion and a powerful energizer. In this instance this is so true, so what have I learnt?

My gorgeous mate made a very impressive stand and I'm so incredibly proud of her and yet so frigging jealous. I've wanted to do just that for so long now. It almost felt like I was going backwards, failing even though I knew I wasn't? I felt trapped and suppressed with this crap (blue noise). Also I found I have been looking for reassurance that I'm on the right path, from Emma from others as I'm not trusting my instincts anymore. I know I have to do this myself and I desperately want to do for myself.

Over the last few months, since doing SYG I have continued to been treated badly by people surrounding me. Lots of feathers and rocks, I've been abused, bullied, picked on, ignored, lied to, called names and treated like a doormat. And I know I am allowing this to happen and there is only me that can put an end to it. This isn't a new experience for me it's the story of my life and the reason I did SYG in the first place. So why the hell am I still hanging onto this crap from people who obviously don't give a crap about me?

I also realised I've put up with it for so long now, seeking approval from people for fear of being rejected. Which obviously stems from being rejected by my own father as a little girl and my sister, people you wouldn't expect to abandon you for no reason other than their selfish issues. So what have I done? I would bend over backwards to do anything for anyone, be anything they wanted, what they wanted me to be and put myself last. Yet these people still treated me like crap, lied to me or abused me. I suppose doing this I've seen this as my protective thing. But how thick have I been? How has it protected me? How has it helped me?

The truth is it didn't, it just made me more hurt. And let me tell you it's been the shitiest protective layer I've ever seen in my life. Time to let go Janet and time to give yourself a break and stop being too hard on yourself. Stop setting yourself unrealistic expectations/targets. Appreciate the positive beautiful people in your life. Listen to your emotions, trust my instincts and quieten the mind and ask, what are you trying to tell me?

Becoming Free

This morning I took another look at this photo of Evie who aspires to real freedom. To think she use to annoy me and I use to see her as defiant, simply because she would come down stairs with the weirdest outfits on that didn't match. But she was happy and I now see that it was my issue. Now I look at her and admire everything she is. She really is Red all the way through. She knows exactly what she wants out of life, what she believes in and who she wants to be. She is the most generous person with an amazing heart too. She follows what she believes in, what is the right thing to do and what she needs to do. She made my heart smile when she chose to sit with a girl who didn't have many friends and had broken her leg. She sat reading books and talking to her in break times even though her mates kept telling her not too. Even wrote on her i pod to them, 'how would you feel if that was you?' They said 'we don't care let just us play' needless to say she as removed herself from these girls. We can all learn lessons from her, her innocence and I aspire to be as awesome as she is.

This got me thinking about me and my own freedom and I realised I was sat naked with all my family around, my hubby, kids and my mum. Only 2wks ago I was freaking out about how I looked, felt and what people may or may not have thought. But In my home environment I am totally safe, at peace and totally free to just be me and have always been. I have no issues with how I look, what size I am or what I wear and this was even at size 24. I realised that I too have real freedom at home and that is why she is the way she is. I'm actually not all bad! I know that sounds bad but I see how much of this is what I chose or did. So it is good to see I have done somethings right too. It was me who brought my unauthentic self's negativity into my home and that's what Emilia saw. So yes yesterday's Stand by her was my proud Mummy moment as things are changing in the Watts house and my Red self was steering that change and she completely rocks. That realisation that I have never needed approval from these wonderful people, my family meant the world. I have never had to be anything other than who I really am. They love me unconditionally for 'just the way I am' not what I look like. I so loved that movie, Bridget Jones.

Again it is as simple as that, be authentic, true and real freedom will gravitate towards me. I no longer need approval from anyone anymore. And, letting go of this feels amazing and I can see my pathway to true freedom.

My piece of heaven, secret place