Got to really start Speaking my Truth

After I posted my last blog the other day, all of a sudden it all felt so scary and I completely freaked out. I felt exposed, raw and vulnerable again? The blog was guided by my red self to finally start to speak my truth, to recognise her achievements and to aim to be her true authentic self and to ditch this altered body image. But, Yes blue drama alert and I quickly deleted it off my private wall?

I was worried about being judged,treated badly and rejected. After all I had been directed by my friend, not to speak about my previous gym Owner again or she wouldn't speak to me! Manipulation again of my emotion. I didn't intent to but equally didn't appreciate to be told not to (Not to speak my truth) My trust has been broken by so many people, its hard to trust myself anymore, let along others. This meant I adopted to be unauthentic for fear of rejection and hurt. So not recognising it immediately frustrates the hell out of me. I had deleted it as I didn't want them to read it nor know they had hurt me.There it was, clear as day my unauthentic self had kicked in yet again, dramas. So why? What have I to be ashamed of? Nothing. This was me and my life, I was young, impressionable, sensitive and without guidance. After all, It was 1977 so no diets, no exercise and no Jane Fonda. I also feared the Rejection from them but they just treated me badly or rejected me anyway? Do this or else ...... true manipulation. So how would me removing it help or serve me? The answer is it wouldn't.

What will help is the letting go of it all and finally speaking my truth. I have nothing to be ashamed of. This is me, it is real and yes scary so why? Why am I still hanging onto this other stuff? Why am I hiding? So many questions and if I'm to heal I need to be completely honest firstly with myself and get rid of all this shit that has been holding me back all my life. So I'm going to post it!

So here goes ....... Finally speaking my truth
Afterward, I thought this as what as lead to hurt and all my life. No change, no change so I decided I want and need freedom from this not just for me but for my beautiful daughter Emilia and I was going to fight for it. I see the blue dramas in her everyday and it hurts like hell to see it and to admit I have been to blame. I'm trying so hard but I'm terrified to fail, like I've done all my life too. This is too important for me and it is out of LOVE that I aim to do it too. I don't want the pain/hurt for her that I've had ..... this is my purpose I feel it at last and I'm going to lead her to greatness which my red self has known all along I need to do. The thought that one day she will end up like i did last year horrifies me. She is innocent, beautiful, pore and yet vulnerable just like I was. My vision, my tattoo was given to me for that purpose and is there to remind me every day to fight and fight for freedom for the both of us. I was listening then and I certainly need to now more than ever. And then it hit me, smack and it felt like I had jumped right into the centre of that rose. I was seriously freaking out, GET ME OUT OF HERE Arggghhhhhh Breath .... Breath Emazon voice came into my head as tears rolled down my face.
There it was my true lie, I'd hidden from everyone my Mum, Sister, grandparents, family, friends, and more so my hubby and kids. As I'm typing this I'm not entirely sure I have ever told him. I buried it so deep I'd forgot about it. I didn't understand it nor did I know how to stop it until even til I found comfort in food. I felt fat, ugly, not worthy, unloved and yes rejected by my Dad and it hurt like hell. Yet I was loved by so many, the blue dramas have blinded me. Yes history repeated, natures order to heal 2 hearts and 2 beautiful souls ..... Speak your truth Janet .... Out of LOVE came Tears .... And Truth

I STARVED myself too, I didn't want to be fat and I wanted people to like me and be happy. The exact same as my daughter said in that GP's office, she had seen that in ME I had become what they said and told me I was, or how I felt I was. I'd just leaped right off the top and down into the centre of my Rose, I intend to kick the shit of out this crap. I understand now that those few words I have carried with me for life, taking each other person negative comment afterwards and closing up another petal, and another, each time adding layers of fat to hide behind, become invisible, protect me from hurt. But in fact this unauthentic version of myself had made herself more vulnerable to hurt and manipulation. And the longer I did nothing about it, the worse it got, feathers, rocks, more rocks until my bully got in her truck and backed over me, good and proper. For a long while I felt hurt again, bitter, angry, frustrated but yet my Red self took control back. Little steps by little steps, although I couldn't see it then of course. Emazon as guided me, support me to see my true path and continues to. I have been able to find forgiveness for my bully and in fact now I see she did me a huge favour. I have understanding now of where the hurt came from and now I need to start kicking and fighting my way out of this hole. So that my petals open and my true beauty can be seen but more so that I can see it and believe it too.
At the same time I feel a little guilty that, that is ALL it was! and of course I chose to take on these comments and run with them. I also hear my tragic stories everyday at work, severe domestic violence, self harm, depression, anxiety,near death experiences and even death. Being apart of so many sad lives, makes mine seem insignificant really. As insignificant as it seemed I still layered myself to protect myself. Don't misunderstand me, I have had a happy loving life in my personal life, married to my darling husband now for 26years, having 4 great kids and a great Mum. It saddens me everyday that my sister is like she is but I can't change her, she as to see it and want that for herself. Being railroaded last year seems insignificant now, especially as I was expecting much worse to unfold. Those words from mu bully last year 'You are so stupid that you can't see what I'm saying and you need to wake up to yourself. But you can't because you are so weak and you definitely need counselling. You will probably find that you are fucked up from childhood and thats what stopping you from seeing it'! These were the words from my friend about me, Yes my friend! to me because I didn't share her view on our boss and because I wouldn't allow her to do control me to do what she was to gutless to do. Although at the the time I appeared weak I made a true Stand for me. And although these words have resinated for me now for such a long time. Emazon helped me to see that she came into my life for a purpose and I now have found forgiveness and can thank her for helping me wake up to what I had become. I've learnt so much and just keep frigging moving forward. I just get frustrated its not quicker. I want to start to see my inner beauty on the outside and most importantly start to believe in me again.
In fact I was strong all along and yes clever too because I never allowed that emotional manipulator to control me. Nor am I now, today I'm taking control back and moving forward to freedom. I have a one on one with the amazing Emazon on Friday on Skype :)