Finding the belief and trust in ME


Last week really rocked my boat after SYG, I kinda freaked out. Was I failing?, not getting it? or just letting in the blue noise again? For some reason I felt I needed to join next round of 12wbt and book a one on one with Emazon, why? It was given to me so I didn't question it, just knew I had to do it and all would become clear.
So on Friday I had my one on one with Emma, on Skype. The connection wasn't that great, lost video picture and with lots of breaks in conversation, so after I kinda felt the same that I couldn't figure it all out. I felt and knew it was good but didn't understand it. I started to get that gut wrenching pain in my tummy, like after the first SYG. So I knew I was onto something then and knew I needed to quieten my mind at some point to listen. It felt like a mixture of being scared and excited all at the same time. Like I was scared to do something but knew it would lead to something, good and exciting. Had a lovely day at the beach with the family watching dolphins. Decided to go to bed early and do my mediation, well attempted too anyway. But I immediately kept zoning out or falling to sleep? Would wake during the music after so no idea of colours etc. would do it so again and same thing.
In the morning I woke and felt incredibly dizzy, sick and like I was going to vomit. I got dressed and as I went out the door for a walk a wave of emotion came out of nowhere and tears started to stream down my face. It came to me an incredible feeling of loss.
I walked up the hill behind the top lake to no mans land, with nature, peace, silence, bird sounds and holy shit a kangaroo. I sat on a rock and thought 'wolf breathing' I'd never done it before. So I set my intent 'clarity from my one on one'. It was frigging amazing words just filled my head.

I've achieved so much since the start of my journey, my red self as led me all the way from the start. She as known what I've needed and as led, guided and protected me each step of the way. Just like she led me to believe in my body, mind and spirit to get through 3 labours without pain relief whilst remaining in total control of what was happening and what stage I was at. I've known since before SYG that now is the time for the scary shit, the head stuff. I need to start to trust in that lead and believe it is leading me to greatness. Previously I would have given up on myself and gone back to what I was, but now I have a fire in my belly, and this time giving up on myself isn't an option. I was shocked there was nothing else, that was it in a nutshell, yes I'd just taken on board negative comment after negative comment, it will not or doesn't serve me anymore to revisit these. I have got to the root of my issue (right inside that rose and I was about to blast every petal open again). Now I just had to see that those comments, issues where someone else's not mine. I no longer needed to seek approval from these people or other who would do the same, for fear of rejection. Like my father, his issues, like my friend, her issues not mine. I needed to start approving of me, my actions, thoughts and beliefs. My authentic self had led me here to ditch this shit right here and now and I had done it. I need to start to love and respect me, my family and those close to me who nurture my authentic self. I need to trust, believe follow and trust her lead and know will lead me to greatness (freedom)

I mediated afterward with peace in my heart. I was grounded, was simply perfect in every way. I felt I had reclaimed my authority back ..... So yes welcome to the REAL ME.
On my way home, I embraced the shear beauty of my surrounding and my heart was smiling all the way home. I could see, smell and taste it and I so wanted it too, now the challenge to hang on in there.

Petals are opening ....