Well I achieved heaps after my week with Emazon, as I thought! Since then I have had several challenges against my stand. Each of which confirmed that I was on the right path. One being from previous gym owner Curves after I followed my authentic self and joined Fernwood who now serve me well. I left on good terms so was shocked to see her using my vulnerabilities I trusted her with to her advantage. And then being totally unprofessional by bad mouthing me on Facebook because of my successes. I block it, dealt with it to protect my stand, put it behind me and moved on. However this in turn had a massive effect on my dear friend and brought about her own insecurities of seeing me in a different head space. I'm convinced she still sees me as that Janet who is messed up and now doing this crazy shit, because of what she doesn't understand, sees and has been told. I am now someone she no longer understands. Even though I'm a well educated women, she has only ever known me as my blue self, my unauthentic self. She rescued me, supported me, loved me for who I was then and now I was a stranger to her. I dearly love her for caring for me but a true friend would want you to be your authentic self, the best possible version of yourself. I have no idea what she thinks now, she as gone quiet, surprised me she lied to me, doesn't comment on my successes all of which are her issues, I know. It hurt like hell to know she too used the tool of facebook like my bully, knowing it would hurt me and to lie about not going on and not doing it when she does. But again how incredibly difficult that was I have been amazed at how I bounced back and was able to block it. I gave my red woman the name Tigger for that reason and at last I started to believe in me and follow my heart. I knew that during that week, that I had unleashed a very powerful source, that was ...... ME.
I seriously couldn't wait do go to finale for the shear fact that SYG was on the very next day. I was doing amazing at functional training and with my person trainer at my own pace. I wasn't sure what I wanted from SYG, other than wanting the processing to be more immediate, rather than riding that wave, listening and then eventually getting it.
I seriously couldn't wait do go to finale for the shear fact that SYG was on the very next day. I was doing amazing at functional training and with my person trainer at my own pace. I wasn't sure what I wanted from SYG, other than wanting the processing to be more immediate, rather than riding that wave, listening and then eventually getting it.
On the lead up I desperately wanted to get into my goal dress, my beautiful red dress for finale but it was a long way off fitting me. It had started to stress me out and I kept doing my mediation and focusing of me and my training. One day I tried on my dress, it still didn't fit and it didn't feel right either. I thought I would have been devastated but I wasn't, lightbulb moment ' I was nowhere near my goal according to my red self, body and especially mind and spirit' I had obviously taken on board some of that negativity to from the curves lady 'Red woman my ass, you have learnt NOTHING' I had let that one word in. I also realised that this is a work in process and not just a one off fixes all. That's why the universe had ensured I was too attend SYG again, a top up I had taken on board her ignorance and nastiness at trying to pull me down just because I'd moved beyond her. Recognising that she had seen my strength meant so was I. It was the first time I felt empowered and strong.
So off I went to look for a dress that would serve me well for who I am now, which brought about more challenges, shops and shop assistants. I kinda felt like Julie Roberts in pretty women, like they would judge me and treat me badly. I was listening and reflecting but with not much understanding at this time. I went in shops with my mum and looked and looked, ended up in smaller designer shops so it got more challenging. They always approach you in these shops, there it was the dreaded question 'what size are you?' I was shocked they thought I was a size or 2 down and tried some on that fit, but nothing felt right. My perception of myself was obviously way off then and I eventually found it, a dress that my girlfriends found the week earlier, that I could dress up and dress down, so it was perfect. I then felt I was going to look amazing with the makeover like Julie Roberts in that Red dress in pretty women and feel it too. I was beaming with excitement as I've never ever done anything like this before.
I had taken on board her ignorance and nastiness at trying to pull me down just because I'd moved beyond her. Recognising that she had seen my strength meant so was I. It was the first time I felt empowered and strong.So off I went to look for a dress that would serve me well for who I am now, which brought about more challenges, shops and shop assistants. I kinda felt like Julie Roberts in pretty women, like they would judge me and treat me badly. I was listening and reflecting but with not much understanding at this time. I went in shops with my mum and looked and looked, ended up in smaller designer shops so it got more challenging. They always approach you in these shops, there it was the dreaded question 'what size are you?' I was shocked they thought I was a size or 2 down and tried some on that fit, but nothing felt right. My perception of myself was obviously way off then and I eventually found it, a dress that my girlfriends found the week earlier, that I could dress up and dress down, so it was perfect. I then felt I was going to look amazing with the makeover like Julie Roberts in that Red dress in pretty women and feel it too. I was beaming with excitement as I've never ever done anything like this before.
Sydney here we come
Friday was good, cold so shopping and lots of laughs and a fair few drinks of vodka, lime and soda. We hadn't eaten badly and had no snacks, so we went with the fun element. Got up and went for breakfast, met loads of new inspiring people and went off to workout. I really enjoyed myself, had fun and got to sit next to Mish on stage and have a chat with her. 2 things stood out for me, the fashion show, them girls looked awesome and Cathy Sheargold in particular rock it and you could see how proud she was for her achievements. The other was the fitness challenge, I had some negative thoughts about the competitiveness of it, pushing themselves til they nearly died, well thats how it looked anyway. I had no idea why I felt like that it was just given to me that way. We walked the 5 km walk back to have a shower and go for hair and makeup. I was so looking forward to this and I was going to enjoy it. My stylist was lovely she took care and paid attention to detail with hair and make up. There were no mirrors and she could have been doing anything to me, could have wrote TOSSER on my head and I wouldn't known. She had to finish me off quickly as the next girl was stressing she had been waiting to long!!! Some people just think they are a priority don't they? but again did I take that on board?I wasn't worthy but I'd paid my fee just like her, I don't know. I was freaked out by the whole thing instead of enjoying the experience like everyone seemed to be. What was she doing to me? I now know my authentic self wasn't in control, stylist was? My beautiful friend Kylie saw my face and knew instantly, 'what's up chickie?' I saw me and didn't know who that person was? Did I like her? I didn't know and I certainly didn't look or feel like Julia Roberts. I really tried hard to like it and to let me out but I just couldn't, my feet were killing me and I couldn't block any of it out either. I felt weak and vulnerable again, then in come those blue dramas again, part of me wanted to cry but I blocked them just focused on the here and now. In the taxi home I snapped back it was over I would sleep and it was SYG in the morning. I wiped off my shoes immediately, got back to the hotel, dress and make off and there I was practising sprawls lol as I so failed at that in my one on one with Emazon. Kylie was laughed as I said 'she will so be watching me' there again I bounced back. I didn't feel Emma would judge or push me it was just simply something i wanted to do, as it was we never did them Phewww On reflection, I think I felt like that because I wasn't following my authentic self, I loved my dress just not the vision I was given. You can really see it in my face on those photos. There it was body image and dysmorhpic disorder, although I didn't know it then.
Friday was good, cold so shopping and lots of laughs and a fair few drinks of vodka, lime and soda. We hadn't eaten badly and had no snacks, so we went with the fun element. Got up and went for breakfast, met loads of new inspiring people and went off to workout. I really enjoyed myself, had fun and got to sit next to Mish on stage and have a chat with her. 2 things stood out for me, the fashion show, them girls looked awesome and Cathy Sheargold in particular rock it and you could see how proud she was for her achievements. The other was the fitness challenge, I had some negative thoughts about the competitiveness of it, pushing themselves til they nearly died, well thats how it looked anyway. I had no idea why I felt like that it was just given to me that way. We walked the 5 km walk back to have a shower and go for hair and makeup. I was so looking forward to this and I was going to enjoy it. My stylist was lovely she took care and paid attention to detail with hair and make up. There were no mirrors and she could have been doing anything to me, could have wrote TOSSER on my head and I wouldn't known. She had to finish me off quickly as the next girl was stressing she had been waiting to long!!! Some people just think they are a priority don't they? but again did I take that on board?I wasn't worthy but I'd paid my fee just like her, I don't know. I was freaked out by the whole thing instead of enjoying the experience like everyone seemed to be. What was she doing to me? I now know my authentic self wasn't in control, stylist was? My beautiful friend Kylie saw my face and knew instantly, 'what's up chickie?' I saw me and didn't know who that person was? Did I like her? I didn't know and I certainly didn't look or feel like Julia Roberts. I really tried hard to like it and to let me out but I just couldn't, my feet were killing me and I couldn't block any of it out either. I felt weak and vulnerable again, then in come those blue dramas again, part of me wanted to cry but I blocked them just focused on the here and now. In the taxi home I snapped back it was over I would sleep and it was SYG in the morning. I wiped off my shoes immediately, got back to the hotel, dress and make off and there I was practising sprawls lol as I so failed at that in my one on one with Emazon. Kylie was laughed as I said 'she will so be watching me' there again I bounced back. I didn't feel Emma would judge or push me it was just simply something i wanted to do, as it was we never did them Phewww On reflection, I think I felt like that because I wasn't following my authentic self, I loved my dress just not the vision I was given. You can really see it in my face on those photos. There it was body image and dysmorhpic disorder, although I didn't know it then.
I woke early and thought omg I can't wait, I was ready and willing for whatever. I did my mediation and we went for breakfast said goodbye to Meagan and met some of the girls going to SYG. I was stocked some of them had decided to do it from reading about and seeing my changes. There was too many of us, so Kylie and I jumped in a taxi.
I was here yeah super excited, my authentic self knew she was going to get an awakening and it felt like I was home and safe. When I saw Emma she ran over to me, well she may have walked but it felt like she did and hugged me. She asked how I was and told me how skinny I was looking. There it was again, still unknown to me at that time, that's what I was going to get out of it, how I look and felt about myself. The session of course was awesome, I will not talk about that as everyone gets something different out of it. But what I will say is that during, Emma referred to me and my daughter Emilia to reinforce the effects we have on our children. This should have and probably would have upset me in the past but I felt empowered by it. I had excepted my part in that event and have made huge steps since to improve and rebuild my Red self to lead by example for her. I didn't want history to be repeated in her. I knew right there and then in some form or another, unknown to me as yet I want to help other woman. Afterwards Emma clarified that its a process and there is no timeline to this, no pass or fail, I was moving, achieving at my own pace and I will get better. The feeling I had at the end of that session was amazing one of true love,peace, happiness and yes I saw inner beauty. I can see that excitement and jest to be just me in that photo of with Nat.
I was here yeah super excited, my authentic self knew she was going to get an awakening and it felt like I was home and safe. When I saw Emma she ran over to me, well she may have walked but it felt like she did and hugged me. She asked how I was and told me how skinny I was looking. There it was again, still unknown to me at that time, that's what I was going to get out of it, how I look and felt about myself. The session of course was awesome, I will not talk about that as everyone gets something different out of it. But what I will say is that during, Emma referred to me and my daughter Emilia to reinforce the effects we have on our children. This should have and probably would have upset me in the past but I felt empowered by it. I had excepted my part in that event and have made huge steps since to improve and rebuild my Red self to lead by example for her. I didn't want history to be repeated in her. I knew right there and then in some form or another, unknown to me as yet I want to help other woman. Afterwards Emma clarified that its a process and there is no timeline to this, no pass or fail, I was moving, achieving at my own pace and I will get better. The feeling I had at the end of that session was amazing one of true love,peace, happiness and yes I saw inner beauty. I can see that excitement and jest to be just me in that photo of with Nat.
Afterwards I was bursting with excitement, never shut up I'm sure Kylie thought shut up lol and I expect my expression on my face was the same as hers at finale. I knew with all my heart and every cell in my body that this is my true path of self rediscovery. I've spent the week rolling over everything to get understanding and clarity around this. I was doing exactly the same, riding that wave and listening. I was exhausted so rested but felt I needed to go to Zumba as I love that. Was really weird, I was so unco and didn't enjoy it .... Why? More questions as yet unanswered. I did my mediation and woke with work in mind, I promised the girls I would take in my size 24 brown silk trousers as they wanted to see. Another measure of how far I'd come and the moment I put on them trouser it hit me and hit me hard. My body had transformed heaps but my mind and spirit hadn't quite caught up yet. I found it difficult and couldn't focus at work for the rest of the day. I got home freaking out but saying to myself no pass or fail, no pass or fail and wanting to cry and scream. I emailed Jodie asking for one on one, how much and when and ordered my grappling gloves and training cd. Weird combo I know and funny now when I look back but I was leading
I woke did my mediation and knew what I needed to do, went for my PT session with Kym who loves Emma and listened and we knew what to do. I felt so empowered, she gave me suggestions and at one point thought 'what the f*^k just do it' and I did 10 burpees, I couldn't do them the week before, followed by step jumps and yes press ups but on my knees, went further and further and did them on my toes, not perfect but I did them. It was so empowering to take control and to push myself a little. I can do more than I believe, tapping into my powerhouse/authentic self she knows what my body can do and how my mind needs to catch up. After in the shower I sat crying in tears not of pain or sadness but joy and clarity. Everything flashed in my head and I knew what I needed to do.
I have altered body image/dysmorhpia and have from the age of 13 yrs, how painful is that realisation 34 yrs wasted but yet so empowering to change and start living. I've been invisible, I hidden myself away, suppressed my achievements for fear of backlash from my success. I was 13year old impressionable girl at a street silver jubilee party, in a fancy dress costume made by my clever mum, a genie of the lamp costume. I did feel exposed and I got a comment of a girl, saying 'you look fat in that', I ran inside to take it off to be told 'no you look lovely' but I had taken on the previous comment and having 1000 eyes looking at me, cemented it in I guess. I own that I chose to take it on board instead of the other comment which lead to me winning also. That's why I've hidden my success as the repercussions from winning was awful too. There it was in the raw for all to see, I've always felt fat even though I wasn't, I've never felt beautiful, nor have I liked myself, always hidden my body with baggy clothes and hidden my successes and achievements. To this day I've done the same with my weight loss journey, never celebrated, never put myself out there, hidden my achievements to protect others from feeling inferior and fearing rejection. Around the same time my father rejectedvus after my parents got divorced, I've seen him once since then. But my friend as rejected me anyway since following my true authentic self, I accept that now. Equally I can see why I had shear rage after I'd visited the Dr's with my daughter Emilia and she said them words 'I don't want to be fat like mum as people are mean to her and make her sad' omg 34 years of carrying that shit, I had become what they told me, adding layers and layers to hide behind. Being and feeling like this way as been such a waste. Emma as helped me see I had the power even back then and I've lead me ever since.
The answer was there in that shower, I need to start recognising my achievements, putting them out there and accepting the comments back, be proud of them and who I am and see my inner self on the outside and release her. I need to continue to trust and follow her lead, wherever that takes me, speak my truth and use my body to empower my mind and spirit. I pondered heavily about joining the next round 4 of the 12wbt as I've not followed the weight loss plan or exercise routines, and I've still succeeded. However I did join and not for weight loss, measurements, exercise but to continue my journey by taking the lead in a safe haven with amazing people who have supported me and I know will continue too and where I can feel safe to reveal myself bit by bit, little steps leading to running. I'm aiming to rock that red dress at the next finale and feel my authentic self and I may even have the makeover, on my terms and completely what i want of course. I also aim to see the amazing Emazon who I can't thank enough, for my transformation as it is evident to me that if I hadn't done this I would have bounced back to what I was like before and what I always have done before. If I need guidance along the way I will get that too. I wrote this blog with the aim, desire to encourage women. If I only help one woman who reads this and makes changes and heals as I feel I am .... It is worthwhile.
My RED dress was I believe picked by my authentic self, she knows who I'm meant to be but as never been allowed to be her true self. I need to continue to follow her lead of self discovery.
I now see clearly how I made myself prey to those predatory emotional manipulators, but never again. I also see that my journey as only just begun but I now also know that I'm going to succeed and I'm going to be happy and free someday.
I woke did my mediation and knew what I needed to do, went for my PT session with Kym who loves Emma and listened and we knew what to do. I felt so empowered, she gave me suggestions and at one point thought 'what the f*^k just do it' and I did 10 burpees, I couldn't do them the week before, followed by step jumps and yes press ups but on my knees, went further and further and did them on my toes, not perfect but I did them. It was so empowering to take control and to push myself a little. I can do more than I believe, tapping into my powerhouse/authentic self she knows what my body can do and how my mind needs to catch up. After in the shower I sat crying in tears not of pain or sadness but joy and clarity. Everything flashed in my head and I knew what I needed to do.
I have altered body image/dysmorhpia and have from the age of 13 yrs, how painful is that realisation 34 yrs wasted but yet so empowering to change and start living. I've been invisible, I hidden myself away, suppressed my achievements for fear of backlash from my success. I was 13year old impressionable girl at a street silver jubilee party, in a fancy dress costume made by my clever mum, a genie of the lamp costume. I did feel exposed and I got a comment of a girl, saying 'you look fat in that', I ran inside to take it off to be told 'no you look lovely' but I had taken on the previous comment and having 1000 eyes looking at me, cemented it in I guess. I own that I chose to take it on board instead of the other comment which lead to me winning also. That's why I've hidden my success as the repercussions from winning was awful too. There it was in the raw for all to see, I've always felt fat even though I wasn't, I've never felt beautiful, nor have I liked myself, always hidden my body with baggy clothes and hidden my successes and achievements. To this day I've done the same with my weight loss journey, never celebrated, never put myself out there, hidden my achievements to protect others from feeling inferior and fearing rejection. Around the same time my father rejectedvus after my parents got divorced, I've seen him once since then. But my friend as rejected me anyway since following my true authentic self, I accept that now. Equally I can see why I had shear rage after I'd visited the Dr's with my daughter Emilia and she said them words 'I don't want to be fat like mum as people are mean to her and make her sad' omg 34 years of carrying that shit, I had become what they told me, adding layers and layers to hide behind. Being and feeling like this way as been such a waste. Emma as helped me see I had the power even back then and I've lead me ever since.
The answer was there in that shower, I need to start recognising my achievements, putting them out there and accepting the comments back, be proud of them and who I am and see my inner self on the outside and release her. I need to continue to trust and follow her lead, wherever that takes me, speak my truth and use my body to empower my mind and spirit. I pondered heavily about joining the next round 4 of the 12wbt as I've not followed the weight loss plan or exercise routines, and I've still succeeded. However I did join and not for weight loss, measurements, exercise but to continue my journey by taking the lead in a safe haven with amazing people who have supported me and I know will continue too and where I can feel safe to reveal myself bit by bit, little steps leading to running. I'm aiming to rock that red dress at the next finale and feel my authentic self and I may even have the makeover, on my terms and completely what i want of course. I also aim to see the amazing Emazon who I can't thank enough, for my transformation as it is evident to me that if I hadn't done this I would have bounced back to what I was like before and what I always have done before. If I need guidance along the way I will get that too. I wrote this blog with the aim, desire to encourage women. If I only help one woman who reads this and makes changes and heals as I feel I am .... It is worthwhile.
My RED dress was I believe picked by my authentic self, she knows who I'm meant to be but as never been allowed to be her true self. I need to continue to follow her lead of self discovery.
I now see clearly how I made myself prey to those predatory emotional manipulators, but never again. I also see that my journey as only just begun but I now also know that I'm going to succeed and I'm going to be happy and free someday.
Can you see it?
Wow! A very powerful post Janet! I love that you have true belief that you will find what you need from this journey. Just watch your language a little. Remember, there is no right or wrong. Not one second of your life has been a "waste". Even all those years until you heard your daughter make the comment she made to the doctor. Every second of those years has taught you something, and without them, you would not be where you are right now, in the incredibly powerful place you're in!! :)
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