Growling wolf

Yesterday, I just wanted to rip someone's head off or hit/smack something really hard! For those who know me, you would know that this isn't me, clearly not an emotion I have or am use too experiencing. I truly felt my ears were back and my teeth were showing and I was growling, just like a wolf. I am speechless at how I felt, its was scary to feel that way, but also empowering? I did feel like running, retreating or hiding away,so why? My mum also sensed it and asked me what was up several times. It took my all not to just burst into tears. But I didn't, I retreated to quieten the mind to breath and listen. I believe this came from shear frustration at myself. That part of me that wanted to cry and run away, was probably blue noise. The other part of me that wanted to smack or hit something, was most likely my RED self who desperately wants to Stand up for Herself. I am so ANGRY with myself, WHY can't I just frigging STAND and stand up for me and my family.

I have no idea where this rage came from but I am bloody glad it did and I now see and know it has been building for weeks now. Probably out of shear frustration at me not standing, when faced with certain situations and going back to my old ways. Old ways of putting up with shit, knowing what I need to do and not doing it, generally not wanting to rock the boat and seeking approval. My RED self was wanting out and banging on the door loudly to get out too.

Anger, frustration, these emotions are actually part of my intelligence, my Red self trying to tell me something. There is obviously something/lots going on in my life that I need to pay attention too. I've been given feathers and rocks and have ignored them, feeling frustrated with myself along the way. Continuing to ignore them and hence why I've been hit by rocks and now feeling incredibly angry with myself. My emotional intelligence is clearly kicking in and the Anger is a sign I'm improving not failing as I thought. The last time I felt anger like that was after the visit to the GP with Emilia and she said those words to me. This brought about a huge change in me. However, now I realise I still have a lot of learning to go through before I get real freedom from these old behaviour's. I am feeling I am now on the brink of something magnificent.

The more I sense these emotions and act, the more in control of my life I will feel and be. The Anger signaled that my boundaries had been violated by someone and I should have either taken action for what is right/truth or accept things that I couldn't change., Instead of listening to the blue noise. Whereas if I would have listened to my emotion of Frustration that arose after I was treated badly, lied to, abused and treated like a doormat then I wouldn't have got to the anger stage.

The emotion we call “anger” is a natural response to frustration, pain, loss or neediness. It may also occur out of “old habits", going back to my old ways of not doing or saying anything as a result of being liked, seeking approval. Anger is what we label the biochemical/physiological response we experience when our wants and needs are not met, when we are blocked from pursuing our goals, when we are hurting either physically or emotionally, or when we have experienced a loss of some kind. Anger is a natural emotion and a powerful energizer. In this instance this is so true, so what have I learnt?

My gorgeous mate made a very impressive stand and I'm so incredibly proud of her and yet so frigging jealous. I've wanted to do just that for so long now. It almost felt like I was going backwards, failing even though I knew I wasn't? I felt trapped and suppressed with this crap (blue noise). Also I found I have been looking for reassurance that I'm on the right path, from Emma from others as I'm not trusting my instincts anymore. I know I have to do this myself and I desperately want to do for myself.

Over the last few months, since doing SYG I have continued to been treated badly by people surrounding me. Lots of feathers and rocks, I've been abused, bullied, picked on, ignored, lied to, called names and treated like a doormat. And I know I am allowing this to happen and there is only me that can put an end to it. This isn't a new experience for me it's the story of my life and the reason I did SYG in the first place. So why the hell am I still hanging onto this crap from people who obviously don't give a crap about me?

I also realised I've put up with it for so long now, seeking approval from people for fear of being rejected. Which obviously stems from being rejected by my own father as a little girl and my sister, people you wouldn't expect to abandon you for no reason other than their selfish issues. So what have I done? I would bend over backwards to do anything for anyone, be anything they wanted, what they wanted me to be and put myself last. Yet these people still treated me like crap, lied to me or abused me. I suppose doing this I've seen this as my protective thing. But how thick have I been? How has it protected me? How has it helped me?

The truth is it didn't, it just made me more hurt. And let me tell you it's been the shitiest protective layer I've ever seen in my life. Time to let go Janet and time to give yourself a break and stop being too hard on yourself. Stop setting yourself unrealistic expectations/targets. Appreciate the positive beautiful people in your life. Listen to your emotions, trust my instincts and quieten the mind and ask, what are you trying to tell me?