Reflection over 2012 to discover my future

I realised yesterday at our Christmas party that in fact I have had an awesome year and I've achieved so much, not just things that you can measure either. Even thou I've not formally wrote down goals and aims I have set them and refocused constantly. Obviously my authentic self as been leading me all the way. My realisation came after we were asked to write a word or two for what we wanted out of 2012 and for 2013. It was simple without thinking I wrote Strength for 2012 and unconditional love/self authority, within a second and before 40 odd people had put pen to paper. My red woman knows what she wants and she is constantly challenging me to ensure she gets it too. Like my Meditation the other day said exactly the same words for my next focus. Everyone sat with mouths open and a dear friend said 'Janet that is awesome, amazing and I'm so proud of you, you have achieved so much and you know exactly what you want and you are getting it'. But it still takes me a while to trust/believe this and sometimes I still feel like I'm struggling? (Blue noise) Then I look for reassurance as I start to doubt myself. But in fact I don't need reassurance I just need to trust myself, give myself a break and believe. And to be fair I am a busy working Mum to four children and my job is rather challenging at times too. So I guess being busy doesn't allow me time to chill as much as I'd like and now my hubby is coming on my walks. He is invading my thinking time but don't get me wrong, I love him coming and I'm so proud I've motivated him to do it too. But equally makes for less time for ME focus time, so my weekly meditation in my secret sanctuary are very important, no noise or interruptions. Christmas as meant I get to take some time off work, 5 wks in fact woo hoo. I'm sensing time to focus on me and my goals but as Mum is over and kids off school will have to balance all of this out. This is the time I would have previously put myself last, but no more.

Yes I admit it on occasions I have been struggling with my decision making processes, is it red or blue? So, then I allow the blue noise in to take over and then I doubt myself. Last week I got really angry at myself for doing the same thing. Today, however I realised that sometimes if I'm relaxed happy the words just come to me. And today, I had a flash back to my last labour and birth of my daughter Evie and how empowering that experience was. I was so in tune with my body, mind and spirit that I trusted everything I felt and saw what was happening to me at every stage. I totally believed in Me. And at my first SYG with Emazon, I shared that experience with everyone. My Red self presented that to me to show that Yes at that time I totally trusted and believed in my red woman, my body and my capabilities with my last 3 children.

So what and how did I achieve that? I was so over weight at this time too and none of that never mattered at the time either? Even thou I had abandoned by my dad, had cruel words spoken to me, been treated badly, had 10 years of infertility and IVF which lead to depression, failure on failure, pain and more pain and then to find out I was pregnant and then lose it just as quick. This was a very difficult time in my adult life but one day, something from deep within me said 'I love you and you deserve better, you can and will do this'. I had no idea what to do but sat with my thoughts, 'relax, time, believe'. I rang a midwife who ran antenatal classes for music to help me relax and the universe lead me to Granville a hypnotherapist. We connected immediately, he taught me to get all that blue noise and lock it behind a door in my head, it didn't serve me anymore. For myself and my family I needed to focus on our future. So though self hypnosis I learnt to focus on me, my health, my diet, my rest, my self authority, my emotional state and to not focus on dates, events, times etc. Derrrrr isn't that just what Emazon as been saying?

Within 6wks I was pregnant with my beautiful son Jay, I continued this throughout pregnancy and I was totally empowered. I learnt to trust and believe in my body, mind and my spirit. Even when that went against professionals advice. They thought I was crazy, this was a precious baby! and yes it was to me as well. They felt I should have a cesarean section at 38wks for that reason. But, I refused I knew everything was going to be perfect, so perfect I had no fear, completely no fear. I wanted my baby at home and in a water birth pool, and that is what was gong to happen. It took me my all to convince the obstetrician about a home birth so I never mentioned I had hired a water birth pool. I had people who I trusted with me but more so I completed trusted myself. This birth was amazing, I was completely in control (something we take away from woman in hospital), I learnt to breath, trust, understand and control the pain. I was completely focused, calm and in control. It was simply perfect and beautiful. Jay was born underwater in a pool in our lounge room. I have it on video too so I may watch it for inspiration now. I birthed him onto my chest and he starred at me with that unconditional love and we knew each other and loved each other immediately. The tears of share peace, freedom and joy ran down my face. He was so perfect and I didn't want that moment to end. I didn't want to move or get out either, so I refused. The delivery of the placenta should be out of water, some talk about air embolism so my friends wanted me out. Not this Red woman, the placenta separated and birthed in pool whilst Jay breastfed. Simply beautiful, I needed no one but me to do this. I don't need approval from anyone as I have to most amazing Red woman ever. That is just where I need to get to again that complete trust, belief in me and the ability of my awesome body, mind and spirit to pour freedom. But this time I need to not let her go again.

I now believe that the betrayal of my sister and her hitting me, lead to me losing this power. She had knocked all of this out me, she was in my bubble and had taken my power. I was then flown into unknown territory with our move to Australia, which compounded the fear and unearthed the blue noise and the seeking approval. I have the power and I always did have it, I just had it stolen and then choose to hide it away.

Now to get that power back hey? Now to make a plan of attack. And of course my Tattoo is a reminder every day to just keep moving forward and never go back.